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Author Topic: So here's my story..  (Read 342 times)
B'more hon~
Better Than Papa!

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« on: April 15, 2018, 09:46:47 AM »

So, as you guys may have noticed, I became a lot less active within the past half month or so, and obviously, there are lots of reasons for that. After seeing some stories of other people both IRL and on here, I sorta felt inspired to post my own. I wish I can keep this short and snappy, but sometimes I like being more descriptive.

Growing up in a relatively upper-class high demanding family has taken quite a huge toll on my life to say the least. I know some people may be thinking that I have things easy because my family makes a lot of money while other families are barely getting by $30,000 a year. But that isn't necessarily the case. Too much money can be corrupting.

Pretty much my whole life, I've been expected to get As in every subject, and take the highest possible level of every subject (I have taken 11 total AP classes through high school, and constantly get told that I take too little APs classes by my parents), and I've pretty much been expected to only go for the "higher" level jobs like the fields of medicine, law, pharmacy, prestigious business jobs, or anything with computer/software engineering. Anything else was pretty much seen as a low-classed job filled by low-classed people to my parents, and pretty much those jobs are off-limits to me otherwise my family would ridicule me. As a high school student who thinks a lot about my future, you can tell it didn't go well. I would sometimes spend hours or even days freaking out and stressing about my future, fearing failure. Always constantly viewing myself as a failure in life, because it was essentially how my parents sometimes see me, saying my SATs (1460) is too low/bad score and that my GPA is bad (4.64), and how I don't ever try hard in school and all.

To say the least, parental demands (along with physical and verbal abuse) had taken a huge toll on my life, and I struggled with depression, stress, anxiety for a long time. Although never clinically diagnosed or never been to a clinic, I've coped with rapid shifts in my mood (from depressive down feelings to intense periods of hyperactivity and happiness --> so essentially pretty much all the symptoms of bipolar disorder) for a few years now, starting the end of my sophomore year of high school (although they were sometimes still apparent in a few days of freshman/earlier sophomore year).

Junior year and senior year worsened of course, and starting senior year, I have had many days where I would just break out into tears out of the blue in my room, or sometimes in the school bathroom alone. I would look at myself, and all I could see is a failure who could never please anyone. Didn't help that like half of the kids in some of my classes whine about 1560 SAT scores/4.8 GPA and say their GPA is bloop. The words made me feel more like failure each day when my score was like 100 points lower and GPA 0.2 lower.

Overall stress took a huge toll on my life, where my mind became flooded with more violent things/did some bad stuff/became less innocent. Along with abusive parents, my depressive moments turned from feeling like a simple failure to more suicidal thoughts through this past year. I had several attempts of running away from the home in cold, sneaking out the house, and driving away from home.

However, after an all time low of starving myself for 3 days through depressive thoughts, I knew it was time to make change in my life. I first focused on trying to re-establish better relationships with my parents (although it's still been hard due to something that I did to them about almost a month ago). Then I focused on trying to eat more healthy/stay active more, and just, go outside more and spend less time indoors. I also tried to increase time hanging out with friends and less time stressing about school.

Although Stats AP was a struggle for me, and I did indeed spend LOTS of time stressing this quarter, I pulled off a 93% A in the quarter, securing my grade to an A overall pretty much as long as I don't fail anything.

I tried less in school/stressed less, and you know? My grades improved. I got straight As in the third marking period. Obviously, I wasn't simply not doing work. I still studied, and did the work I had to do. Still put in a decent amount of time studying, but instead, I made change to my lifestyle. Instead of thinking "Oh I am going to fail, this bloop is so bleeping hard", I gave it my all and kept reminding myself that I knew the info and that I studied, and that I shouldn't be scared or worried.

Did I have times where I sorta didn't go w/ the above though? Of course. I still sometimes have fear of failure/moments where I freak out, but it's been a lot better this marking period and I have still been trying to work towards improvement.

I also made changes to not procrastinate as much because no one wants to be doing bloop the last minute at like 3 AM. I set out times where I knew I had to get certain tasks finished before certain times so I can meet up/have fun/talk to friends at times after without having to constantly think about/have on my mind the thoughts of stress/failure/unfinished long tasks.

Obviously, I am not perfect and sometimes still will stress out/feel quite down, but, I've been feeling better, and also trying to incorporate more time spent on this forum in my life too, as in, less of me using this as a space for rambling about negativity/stress, and more of me just being me in my space of positivity and cheerfulness!

Obviously, I still have the Positive Topic and have not forgotten about that, but I felt like this deserves its own topic (so basically, please don't merge it just yet).


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« Reply #1 on: April 15, 2018, 10:01:13 AM »

That was a beautiful read! I am glad that you are doing much better; it really is nice to know that you are not failing stats. even though I hope you do fail

I am so glad that you are turning the tables and putting effort into school, and that you've been able to cope with school stress and depression. It is great that you are doing fine, and I welcome seeing you more often in the forum!
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« Reply #2 on: April 15, 2018, 10:05:03 AM »

I'm so happy to see this improvement, I was very worried about you for a while now and It's fantastic seeing how you're overcoming this struggle Smiley

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« Reply #3 on: April 15, 2018, 02:59:04 PM »

I'm so happy for you and I hope you continue to get better and I hope you prevail even more and show those bleep that you slay

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« Reply #4 on: April 16, 2018, 06:40:53 AM »

This is beautiful, I am glad that so many of us have began to blossom up and improve our lives! Life can be stressful and just like I said in my own topic, it can be very challenging, but there is always a way to overcome this, and it starts by simply trying. Good luck in all future endeavours.

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« Reply #5 on: April 16, 2018, 10:14:33 AM »

Aw, this is lovely~ I hope things get better and better~  Smiley

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B'more hon~
Better Than Papa!

ride with da mob, alhamdullilah

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« Reply #6 on: April 16, 2018, 04:22:02 PM »

aw thanks guys!!
I appreciate the amount of care and love displayed here and IDK what to say without sounding too cinrgey but thanssks

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