Vol. I: Issue 038                                                                                             September 11th, 2026

Breaking news from the skies above the Gurth, where Meelie’s Comet is making its long-awaited return.

Starting this week, skywatchers will want to look up after dark for a glimpse of one of the most majestic sights in the night sky. Meelie’s Comet only makes its rounds roughly once every 16 and a half years, and when it appears, it does not arrive quietly. That pale pink tail stretching across the stars has already become the talk of observatories, rooftops, and backyard telescopes across the continent.

And over in Toastwood, the timing could not be better. Comet Con is underway, bringing together sci-fi fans, creators, cosplayers, collectors, and curious minds from all across the Gurth. You can definitely expect that this year’s convention will have plenty of attention on Meelie’s Comet.

Now here is the part that may surprise you. For all that beauty in the sky, the solid nucleus of Meelie’s Comet is only about 300 feet across. That is small by cosmic standards. But as the comet warms near the sun, it throws off gas and dust, creating a glowing coma tens of thousands of miles wide and a pale pink tail that can reach hundreds of thousands of miles into space.

In other words, the object itself is small, but the show it puts on is anything but.

Scientists at Gigaloaf Labs say viewers should make the most of this visit, because Meelie’s future path may not stay familiar for long. Their projections suggest the comet may have only one more return before a close approach to Grummel, the largest planet in our solar system, changes everything.

Grummel’s powerful gravitational pull could tug Meelie’s Comet off its usual course, slingshotting it away from the inner solar system and sending it toward unknown regions of deep space. If that happens, future generations may know Meelie’s Comet not as a regular visitor, but as a traveler that passed through our skies for one final farewell.

So take the time to look up. Whether you are joining the crowds at Comet Con in Toastwood or stepping outside for a quiet view of the stars, this is a sight worth catching while we still can. I’ll be tracking the latest viewing windows, scientific updates, and any new details from Gigaloaf Labs, because Duke’s Gotcha covered!

Well, I am very excited for this weekend because I’ll be seeing Finley for the first time in several weeks! The Cowfish are headed to The Sourdome for an exhibition game against the Bulbdogs, and you better believe I’ll be there cheering them on. The game was originally supposed to be played on Calypso Island, but with the CFL and the island still trying to settle on a final location for their new stadium, Oniontown gets the honors instead. Which, selfishly, makes getting there a whole lot easier for me. So… GO COWFISH!!

Speaking of Calypso Island, let’s take a peek at what Finley is leaving behind weather-wise this week.

Friday is looking like a soggy one, with rain hanging around for much of the day, but the weekend dries out nicely with plenty of sunshine and very little breeze. That calm air does mean the no-see-ums could be extra pesky around dawn and dusk, so keep that bug spray handy! After that, the island settles back into its usual tropical groove, with warm, muggy days, a few breezier stretches, and some passing showers mixed in with all that sunshine.

So after a rainy start, Calypso Island should bounce back into a pretty classic stretch of late-season island weather.

 

The Mumph here, and I do love me some preseason football, so you know I’ll be watching that Cowfish game this weekend. The whole sports world wants a look at this squad, and I am right there with them.

But CFL exhibition games are going to be few and far between for a bit, because the 2026/2027 season is still about sixteen weeks out. So enjoy the taste, folks, then pack your patience.

With that being said, let’s switch the focus back to baseball, where the CMLB season is nearly halfway through already. Can you believe that? Feels like Opening Day was yesterday, and now we are out here checking records and watching teams start to show us who they really are.

Starlight City and Oilseed Springs gave us a tight one. The Roosters struck first with two runs in the second, and for a couple innings, that lead looked pretty sturdy. But the Buffaloes answered in the fourth with two of their own, then came right back in the fifth and put up two more. That was the turn. From there, Starlight City held the line.

MVP goes to Roquert behind the plate, and I love seeing a catcher get his due. That is the control room of the whole ballgame. Roquert kept Averton settled after the early trouble, managed the rhythm, guided the defense, and helped shut Oilseed Springs down the rest of the way. The Roosters got those two in the second, then nothing but zeroes.

Final score, Starlight City Buffaloes 4, Oilseed Springs Roosters 2. Winner, Starlight City. MVP, Roquert.

My two cents, when your catcher helps turn an early 2 to 0 hole into seven straight scoreless innings for the other side, that is not background work. That is winning baseball.

 

Hello out there…

Another week, another chapter in my journey into the heart of Thrasher’s Heap.

Last time, I left you with Screwnut Shane squeezing through a damaged metal gate and stepping into the real Thrasher’s Heap. What I found on the other side was not a landfill… It was a town.

A dark, dirty, bustling town that seemed to come alive almost entirely at night. The buildings, if you could call them that, were pieced together from cinder blocks, corrugated metal, old shipping containers, and whatever else could be welded into four walls and a roof. Saloons and makeshift market stalls crowded the streets, all woven around a low-lying oil refinery at the center of town. Pipes burst from the ground in every direction. Smoke rolled overhead. Every so often, a tower would cough a flame into the night.

Pumpjacks were scattered everywhere, bobbing up and down completely out of sync with one another. And the smell? Imagine a campfire burning inside a tire shop.

The locals were not exactly welcoming either. Leather, chains, patched-up jackets, grease-covered clothes. Half the population looked like they had wandered off the set of a Motorworld Mayhem movie and never bothered going home. Motorcycles seemed to be the preferred form of transportation, and their engines kept a constant low thunder rolling between the buildings.

Thankfully, Deuce’s disguise was doing its job. With darkness on my side, I pushed farther into town. And the deeper I went, the stranger the place became, because beneath all that scrap metal and smoke, Thrasher’s Heap had many of the same things any other town has. Shops. Restaurants. Banks. Just… you know… “Heapish” versions of them.

And then I saw a sign that nearly stopped me in my tracks: Mortadello’s Meat Pies. Apparently, I was a little premature when I reported that the last location had closed. I slipped inside, and there, standing behind the counter taking orders, was none other than Guy Mortadello himself. The same Guy Mortadello I have been trying to locate for nearly three years. So, for anyone following my recent investigation, I suppose we can officially retire “Where in the World is Guy Mortadello?” He is on Thrasher’s Heap! And he was not alone. Working the ovens was a boxy, rust-covered robot that looked nothing like our familiar BotWursts. This thing looked like it ran on diesel and had misplaced its muffler sometime during the previous century.

As much as I wanted to stay and ask Guy about three years’ worth of unanswered questions, blowing my cover over a meat pie seemed like a poor way to end the investigation. So I kept moving. That was when I started noticing the ATMs. They were everywhere. Except they weren’t called ATMs… They were NuTMs. Yes. Nu.

From what I could gather, much of Thrasher’s Heap’s financial system appears to revolve around NuCash, along with those dreadful NuMarcus NFTs. After all the shell companies, Heaps Point excursions, and paper trails, suddenly finding NuMarcus’s fingerprints all over an off-the-books settlement on Thrasher’s Heap felt less like a coincidence and more like the beginning of an answer.

Then I turned down an alley that was awash in murky-red light. The light came from a massive neon sign hanging over another ramshackle building that read: “λλB5: Hack and Mash Cafe”.

Next to the name was a chibi-style caricature of someone who looked suspiciously like Mathony B. Sneffary slurping a bowl of ramen. I even overheard someone leaving the place refer to it as “M-B-S,” so perhaps that’s how the Thrasher’s pronounce λλB5. Your guess is as good as mine.

I was raising my camera to get a picture when a large biker woman approached me. She wore a battered, black-leather cap with a rusted sheriff-style star pinned to the front.

She grabbed my camera.

“Hmm. Whatcha got there?” she asked. Then she looked me over. “Can’t say I’ve seen you around these streets before. Mind showin’ me your tags?”

My mind had several excellent answers prepared. Unfortunately, none of them reached my mouth. But then, somewhere behind us, two men started fighting. For once, Thrasher’s Heap’s apparent lack of civic order worked in my favor. She turned toward the commotion, and I ran.

Through the twisting streets, back through that bent gate, and eventually underneath another lumbering garbage truck for what I sincerely hope was my final ride beneath a moving vehicle.

I lost my camera, but I did manage to snap one blurry photograph with my phone while making my escape. Not exactly award-winning journalism, but enough to prove I was there.

So let me say this directly to my readers, and to any Oniontown officials who may be reading.

Thrasher’s Heap is not simply an offshore landfill.

There is a functioning settlement out there. I personally witnessed businesses, an oil operation, a financial system tied to NuMarcus, a reinvigorated Guy Mortadello, guards, and people who very clearly do not expect outsiders wandering through with cameras.

I am not claiming to know who controls it, how long it has been there, or exactly what laws are being broken. Those are questions for a proper investigation.

And there needs to be one.

Not another boilerplate statement. Not another explanation about methane lights or discarded fireworks. A lawful, transparent investigation into what is happening on Thrasher’s Heap and who has been allowed to operate there unchecked.

I went looking for answers… I came back with considerably more questions.

And that’s The Scoop.